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Salty Chicken

Vera brings Mel some chicken that was cooked in the Diner:

Mel: It's so salty!

Vera: Oh, we got salt in everything.

Mel: Why?

Vera: We used the salt to put out the fire.

Mel: What fire?

Vera: The fire that started from the grease.

Mel: What grease?

Vera: The grease from when we cooked 20 pounds of bacon and 13 pork chops!

Mel: When did you cook 20 pounds of bacon and 13 pork chops?

Vera: We had to before they spoiled.

Mel: Why would they spoil?

Vera: Oh, well, someone left the freezer door open all night during the excitement when the paramedics came.

Mel: Paramedics!

Vera: Yes! They had to take some stitches in Henry's head.

Mel: Stitches in Henry's head?!

Vera: Yes! I dropped a pie on the floor and he slipped in it and hit his head on the counter. And that's why your chicken is salty!

Boss Hogg ("Dukes of Hazzard") visits the Diner

Knock Knock

Flo: Vera, you don't know any jokes.
Vera: Yes I do! Say knock-knock.
Flo: knock-knock.
Vera: Who's there?
Flo: (takes a second to think) VERA!!

What Customers?

A police officer is questioning Mel in his Diner

Mel: What about my customers?
Officer: Uhh... what customers?
Mel: Well, I guess they left.
Flo: Yeah, a lot of them go out for lunch.

Don't Ring My Bell!

Vera: Rapidly rings the bell on the counter to get Mel's attention in the kitchen

Mel: Hey, hey, hey, hey...! Don't ring my bell!

Value of Mel's Life

Mel has witnessed a crime, and closes the diner because he fears being he'll be found)

Alice: What about our tips?

Vera: Yeah.

Mel: What's more important? You losin' tips or me losin' my life?

(the waitresses are silent momentarily)

Mel: Well?

Alice, Vera, and Flo: We're thinkin'...!

Bimbos At Your Service

Two obnoxious motorbikers are eating in the diner

Jolene: Get a load at table four.

Alice: It's like feeding time at the zoo.

Jolene: That short one keeps winking at me.

Alice: Don't flatter yourself... one of his eyes are crossed.

Vera: I think they are fascinating.

Taller Biker: (signalling the waitresses) Hey, bimbos!

Alice: ...and sophisticated.

Taller Biker: Hey, one of you broads wanna move it?

Jolene: It's your station, Alice.

Alice: (sarcastically; impersonating Jolene's accent) Thank you, Jolene.

Mel vs. the Green Machine

Vera's Logic

Vera: What's going on?

Flo: Well, the father/son camp-out is this weekend and seeing that Tommy's father is dead, Alice is going to ask Mel if he'd like to take his place.

Vera: looking puzzled. Does the cemetery allow that?


Country western star Jerry Reed visits the diner for a second visit, shortly after the departure of Flo

Belle: Hello!

Alice: Oh, yes... this is our new waitress, Belle Dupree. This is Jerry Reed, Belle.

Jerry: Well, hi, Belle... how ya doing?

Belle: It's my pleasure! And you know, I sure do just love your records! Wooh!

Jerry: (Referring to the northerners around her) You know you the only one here that don't talk funny?

Belle: Right on!

Rancid Meat Epidemic

Jolene is attempting to promote Mel's Diner on a live television interview, with her co-workers watching

Jolene: The customers at the diner are just so nice. That's Mel's Diner. Uh, well they were nice when we had customers.

Host: Oh, uh, business is a little slow, is it?

Jolene: Oh, well it's not Mel's fault. He can't help it if Quickie Burger opened up down the street.

Host: Tell me, Jolene. What makes Quickie Burger so popular?

Jolene: Well, uh, Ted, I guess it's that they serve great burgers! Oh... uh, it's not that Mel's are bad, you know. They're just tiny.... Now, uh, don't get me wrong. You know, Mel uses good meat. It's just that he lets it sit around too long... Now, I don't mean that he does that on purpose. If there are no customers to order burgers, then naturally the meat's gonna get rancid on him. By that I don't mean that anyone died on him or anything. Well okay, there was that one man....

(and on and on)

Incomplete Menu

Flo: (waiting on a customer) Hi handsome...what'll it be?

Customer: Well, what have you got in mind?

Flo: If it's the same thing you have in mind, you ain't gonna find it on the menu.

Mel and Jerry Reed

Vera's Mind

Vera is missing

Alice: There's no answer at her apartment... where could she have gone?

Jolene: Well according to Monochrome Magazine, to track down somebody, you gotta think like that person... so just give me a second and I'm gonna try to think like Vera.

Alice: (after a few seconds) What are you coming up with?

Jolene: A total blank.

Mel: That's thinking like Vera.

No Insurance

Alice: My husband didn't believe in insurance.

Mel: How come?

Alice: It didn't come in a six-pack.


Flo: (to Alice) You and I are good friends. I'd hate for marriage to get between us.


Henry: (Explaining why people go to the diner, despite the bad meals) We love the ambience of Mel's Diner.

Customer: What ambience?

Vera: That's what they pick you up in after you've eaten Mel's food.


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