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Pilot Episode

Alice "Pilot" Episode: 1 Air Date: 8/31/76

(As the scene opens Flo is talking to some customers at the booths.)

Flo: Ha, and so the preacher says the first person who looks at that poor woman will be struck blind. So one of the deacons say's well then I am going to risk one eye.

(Men at the booth start laughing. Then a man walks in and taps Alice on the shoulder.)

Joule: Are you busy?

Alice: No, do you want to dance?

(Joule walks over to where Vera is. Vera has a box of straws in her hand.)

Joule: Hi Vera.

(Vera, startled, throws all the straws in the air. Alice is in the back and the plate of dishes she is carrying is getting to heavy and she starts to crawl on her knees.)

Mel (rings his bell to call Flo over to the counter): Flo!

(Alice, startled, throws the dishes in the sink.)

Mel: Pick up two bacon and eggs. Come here Alice. I see your boyfriend is back.

(Joule waves to Alice.)

Alice: Mel, he is not my boyfriend.

Mel: Well see him on your own time, will ya.

Alice: He is not my boyfriend.

(Flo comes up.)

Mel: What are you doing back there?

Flo: Giving Bird Jeckons a thrill every time I lean over to check the sugar bowl. I get a 50 cent tip.

Mel: Give me a thrill, pick up your orders.

Flo: Oh, "Kiss my grits."

(Alice walks over to the man, but accidentally bumps into Vera.)

Alice: Oh, I'm sorry Vera. You all right?

Vera: Yeah, I'm sorry.

Alice (to Joule): Excuse me. Look....

Joule: Did you change your mind?

Alice: No

Joule: Hey, look! Now two people meet, one ask the other person out to dinner. What could possibly happen?

Alice: Well, one person could say no and the other person could leave. Listen, will you please go. I'm gonna lose my job.

Joule: All right, but I'm gonna be back.

(Alice walks over to Tommy.)

Alice: Now you Tommy. Mel fixed you a nice plate of his special. The least you can do is eat it.

Tommy: Oh, come on Mom! When the special is lamb stew and Lima beans, the most I can do is eat it.

Alice: You know, you were a lot nicer before my fall from the heights from stardom.

Tommy: Singing from a piano bar in Kansas City is stardom?

Alice: You know what I like about you?

Tommy: What?

Alice: Huh. You can't think of anything either, huh. Come on. You are going to be late for school.

Tommy: Wait!

Alice: No.

Tommy: I haven't figured out your tip yet.

Alice: Well figure this 15% of nothing is nothing. Good-bye. I love ya.

(An older man walks in)

Flo: Morning stuff.

Old Man: Hi ya' Flo.

(Man pinches Flo's butt.)

Flo: Whoops! Watch it! Your gonna blow that pacemaker.

(The old man walks over to Alice and pinches her butt. Alice screams and Vera again throws straws everywhere. Alice starts to walk back behind the counter where Vera is as the old man approaches her.)

Old Man: You sure are a pretty little sugar plum. Haven't seen you around. You work here?

Alice: Yeah, I have been here about four or five weeks.

Vera (starting to walk away): Sorry.

Alice: Don't leave me.

(Old man motions to Alice to come over to him. Alice walks over and listens as she holds a menu up to her face.)

Old Man: I'll give ya' a candy bar if you come in the back room with me for five minutes.

Alice: Will you excuse me for a minute, please?

(Alice walks over to where Flo is.)

You see that guy over there? Don't look! Do you want to know what he just said to me?

Flo: Oh, relax honey. He's harmless. He don't know what he's saying half the time. Yu wanna know what he said to me once? No, I suppose you don't. Well, he's too old for you anyhow. Stick with that kid.

Alice: What kid?

Flo: The one that Mel just told you to get rid of. That little cutie that's been hanging around you for the last couple of days. You suppose he got an older brother or a father? I'll take the father.

Alice: Take them all. I'll even give you Rip van Runchie over there too.

Flo: Well, smell you, Princess Grace.

(The old man gets up as he see's another older woman get up.)

Old Man (to the woman): Missy, would you like a candy bar?

(Joule walks in the diner carrying roses.)

Joule: Hey, gorgeous! (When passing Vera he sits down at the bar to talk to Alice.) Hello again.

Alice: Well that's very nice. Thank you, I.... Listen, I, um.... Please get this straight I don't want to go out with you. You got it?

Joule: Not quite. Now what's wrong with me? I made the honor role in high school, and I was a boyscout. I helped old ladies across the street.

Alice: Well, you ain't going to help this old lady across the street.

Joule: Why not?

Alice: You really want to know?

Joule: Yeah!

(Vera comes walking up behind Joule.)

Vera: Look! I made this napkin into a rose.

Joule: Oh, that's pretty. That's beautiful. You have the longest eyelashes. You should be in the movies. Hey, could you leave the two of us alone for a few minutes, please?

(The Man kisses Vera's hand.)

Now you where saying?

Alice: Yes, why I won't go out to dinner with you. A) I am a widow I have a good 10 years on you I'm old enough to be your sitter. B) I am a baby sitter for my own 12 year old son. C) My last date turned out to have a wife who looked to be about 19 months pregnant. D) I am a singer and I'm saving my nighttime energy to get another singing job. E).......

Joule: You? I didn't know you where a singer. I'm an agent in Hollywood. I handle performers.

Alice (not believing what she just heard and looks shocked): Say that again.

Joule: I said I didn't know that you where a singer.

Alice: No No No No No. The other part.

Joule: Oh, I'm an agent. I handle performers?

Alice: Yeah, that's the part.

Joule: I'm an agent. I handle performers.

Alice: You are? Your not... you do... you don't....

Joule: Yes!

Alice: Oh, I'm sorry.

Joule: What for?

Alice: Are you really an agent?

Joule: Yeah.

Alice: That could get a person a singing job?

Joule: Sure.

Alice: Well, huh, like you said, "who could die from a little dinner?"

Joule: Nobody. So I'll pick you up here tonight?

Alice: No, but wait! I have to work late tonight.

Joule: All right, tomorrow night. What time do you get off?

Alice: Oh, 5:30 but.....

Joule: All right. I'll pick you up here tomorrow night, 5:30.

(Man leaves Diner. Flo comes up behind Alice.)

Flo: 5:30? You got to be somewhere before the prices change?

Alice: Flo, he's an agent!

Flo: An agent.

Alice: Yeah.

Flo: Huh, that kid come one time yesterday after lunch. I had to burp him.

Alice: I know Flo! You see, its babies like that that are taking over the music business now. See Flo, you don' know anything about it.

Flo: I don't know anything about music, honey. You are looking at a five time VFW jitterbug champion. So don't tell me about show business.

Alice: Well, I don't care. It's a chance and I'm gonna take it. I am going to go for dinner with him and maybe if I can get him to hear me sing, he may be able to handle me.

Flo: I'll buy that last part.

Alice: Flo.

Flo: Yeah?

Alice: Kiss my grits.

(Alice walks to the back dancing.)

(Next Scene: Alice and Tommy are sitting on the couch in Alice's apartment, while Alice puts curlers in her hair.)

Tommy: Do you really think this adolescence agent will take us to Hollywood and you'll get to met Doris Day?

Alice: Yeah. Why? Where does it say that I don't get lucky, huh? Where is it written that Alice Hyatt doesn't get to be a singer, huh? You don't know everything. You know you're only 12 years old.

Tommy: Almost 13.

Alice: You may not make it.

Tommy: Your right. This could be it.

Alice: You beat it could. I know it could. All I need is.... Are you talking down to me, huh? Am I being talked down to by a 12 year old?

Tommy: I said it could happen. You want me to slice open a vain and sign it in blood?

Alice: Honey, I know its been hard on ya'. Having to move and make new friends and all. But what was so terrific about Jersey, huh? Phoenix! Phoenix's got, um, fresh air, sunshine, cactus. We're doing the right thing, don't you think?

Tommy: Sure we are, and you're right. This guy could be your big break.

Alice: You really think so?

Tommy: Absolutely. (Alice kisses Tommy) But like you say what do I know I'm only 12.

(Next Scene: Back in the Diner)

Mel: Where the hell is Vera?

Alice: I don't know, Mel. Would you like me to stop what I am doing and search the Phoenix southwest for her.

Mel: All I asked ya' was where the hell Vera was.

Flo: Mel, I've got a riddle for you, "How is Vera like that 'Burger Deluxe' I've ordered?

Mel: I give up.

Flo: Neither of them is here.

(Alice helps a customer with the ketchup.)

Alice: Just a minute, something there's broken. Oh, I know, your right. Um, I've got to go in the back room. We're all out. Just a minute. I'll be right back.

Customer: The've been like that for a week. Mel why don't you get some help in here!

(Alice goes to the back to get more ketchup. Then the old man gets up from his seat and follows Alice to the back. Alice lets out a scream. She quickly re-emerges, looking flustered).

Alice (to Flo): I don't want a candy bar.

Flo: I told you not to worry about him.

Alice: Sheesh! For a guy that's slow on his feet, he's sure fast with his hands, you know.

Flo: You know, I really go for that mature stuff.

Alice: But sure, he couldn't even get the rapper off the candy bar.

(Alice and Flo laugh)

Flo: Wait til' you see Vera.

Alice: What? Is she here?

Flo: Yeah, and she thinks that she is going to Hollywood with you.

Alice: I'm not going to Hollywood. If I don't get him to hear me sing, I'm not going to Hollywood.

Flo: Well, sing for him tonight.

Alice: What am I supposed to do for a compliment? Slap two flapjacks together? Heh, I need a piano. One sweet, little, old upright is all I need. Well, surprise.

(Alice hands customer his order).

Customer: Yeah great.

Alice: Well drink them. You've been hollering for them all day.

Flo: Here, honey. Look after my tables. I'll be back in a jiffy.

Alice: I'll look after her tables but I won't lean over the sugar bowl. (To the customer) What are you looking at? Eat your liver.

(Vera comes out of the bathroom very dressed up. She see's Alice's date and goes over to him but hits him in the stomach by mistake.)

Joule: Ow!

Alice: Don't hurt him. He's an agent.

Mel (from the kitchen): Vera, get in here!

Joule: What was that?

Alice: That was an audition.

Joule: Oh, yeah, you look pretty.

Alice (laughing): Thank you.

Joule: Now, I figure we have a quick dinner, shoot to your place, put the kid to bed, and let the good times role.

Alice: Well the good times are going to have to wait till Flo gets back.

Joule: She's going with us?

Alice: (Alice laughs) No.

Flo (entering Diner with several men and a piano): Come on, right this way, Cleo. Here we go. Hello everybody! Free show tonight!

Mel: What the hell is that?

Flo: Its a piano. Alice is going to sing.

Mel: Not in here. What kind of place do you think I'm running!

Flo: I'm too much of a lady to answer that. Cleo, get the lead out, honey! Come on, here we go.

Mel: How would you like to be an out-of-work cash-slinger?

Flo: I would you like to get along tomorrow with just Vera? (To Cleo) Come on honey, come down here. Okay Cleo, you and Cecil go sit back there. Your the guest of honor.

Alice: Oh, Flo!

Flo: Here you go honey how do you like it?

Alice: Oh, I love it. How did ya' get it?

Flo: Well, Cleo Burford runs the music store so I just bought him a few beers and unbuttoned the old top button and making a couple of promises that I have no intention to keeping. I've got to have the piano back by the time the store closes.

Alice: Um, what would you like to hear? A ballet or an up-tempo?

Joule: Uh, either one as long as its fast.

Alice (laughs): What kind of singers do you handle?

Flo: What do you care? Like you said "it's a chance, take it." Sing!

Vera (to Joules): I can play the clarinet.

Flo (leading Vera away): Uh, Vera, right over here honey. (To the customers) Okay now, you jerks, everybody be quiet! Now this is going to be some high class entertainment. Miss Alice Hyatt! Break your leg honey!

(Alice sings, "It Had To Be You")

Alice (upon finishing): Well, what do you think?

Joule: It was great! It was very great! Can we get started?

Flo: Well, what kind of place do you see her in? A big one or a little one?

Joule: I'm really hungry.

Flo: You know, I see her in one of those small bars with a piano and a microphone and with a brandy zikkers to put her tips in.

Alice: I don't even care what kind of place it is, just as long as its a place.

Joule: Uh, listen. I feel kinda funny talking business here. Can we go?

Alice: Oh sure. Oh Flo, thanks Flo.

Mel: Alice, you really sing good. I wish that you could wait on tables this good.

Alice: Oh Mel, oh, thank you.

(Vera is at the door and Joule walks right in to Vera's tray and hurts himself.)

Joule (to Vera): Listen, I'm sorry I don't handle clarinet's, but thanks.

Alice: What's the matter where.....oh

Joule: Ow.

(Alice and Joule leave the Diner. Flo and Vera watch them through the window).

Flo: Well, look at it this way, Vera. You didn't lose an agent, you gained... (She pauses) Honey, you lost an agent.

(Next Scene. Alice's Apartment. Music is playing on the record player)

Alice: That's the record that made me want to be a singer.

Joule: Who is that anyway?

Alice: Joe Stafford.

Joule: He's got an off-key high voice.

Alice: You never did tell me what kind of singers you handle?

Joule: Uh, now that's not important. What is important is your style. Why don't you tell me what kind of singers influenced you and that will give me a better idea of your....

Alice: Style?

Joule: Style and all.

Alice: Well, sure. There was Peggy Lee, June Christy, Billy Holiday, Ella Fitzgerald.

Tommy: Tony Orlando and Don.

Joule: Oh, yeah, Tony Orlando and Don. They are fabulous. Do you know, "Knock Three Times?"

Tommy: I do. I've got the album.

Alice: Um, Patty Page....

Joule: Uh, do you know Leo Russell's, "Everybody's Got Something to Hide Except Me and My Monkey?"

Tommy: Yeah! I've got the album.

Joule: You've got the album?

Alice: Jerry Southern....

(Tommy and Joule get up and walk over to the record player while Alice keeps on talking.)

Alice: Rosemary Clooney, Margaret Truman....

Joule: Hey, Tommy, can you be bought?

Tommy: Yeah, every man has his price.

Joule: What if I offered you a buck to go to the movie?

Tommy: I'll ask for three.

Joule: I'll give you two.

Tommy: I'll take it. He sure sounds like an agent.

Alice: You don't sit through that movie twice and you come home afterwards, you hear me?

Tommy: I'm not going bar hopping on two bucks.

Alice: And you don't sit next to anyone with a raincoat.

(Tommy leaves)

Joule: Now this.

Alice: Now this?

Joule: Yeah, it's fun time.

Alice: Fun time?

Joule: Boy, you sound like a parrot.

Alice: A parrot? Listen, um, I really want to talk to you about a singing job.

Joule: Well, all right. I was going to keep it as a surprise but I think I can get you into the Coconut Grove.

Alice (laughs): Oh!

Joule: Yeah, I've got contacts there.

Alice: The Coconut Grove has been closed for 2 years.

Joule: Oh, yeah, I meant the other place.

Alice: Hold it!

Joule: I always get it mixed up.

Alice: Hold it!

Joule: It's got a tree name.

Alice: Hold it!

Joule: The Oak Green.

Alice: Um, okay, your not a Hollywood agent. What do you really do for a living?

Joule: I'm a hosiery salesman for Portland.

Alice: Uh, I love it. I auditioned in a Diner. For a 20 year old hosiery sales man. From Portland!

Joule: I'm 25.

Alice: Oh!

Joule: I have free samples in the car.

Alice: What a break! So far this week I've been offered candy bars and nylons. What is this, World War Two? You probably don't remember that either.

(Flo comes charging in.)

Flo: Hey everybody, hold it right there! I'm sorry, honey, but me and Cleo was having drinks with the night clerk at Dawson Motel and um....

Alice: All right, Flo. I know he's not a Hollywood agent.

(Tommy comes rushing in)

Tommy: The movies $2.50. I need more money.

Alice: You don't have to go to the movie.

Tommy: 50 cents is all I need.

Alice: Give him the money back.

Flo: What is he doing here.

Joule: There's no harm done. Tom, I will give you the 50.

Alice: Don't take that money!

Flo: Are you still here? Go sell some panty hose!

Tommy: What happened? When I left, things where moving right along.

Flo: Well, Tommy, it seems like our friend Joule here has been hiding a few things. (To Joule) Go on and scat!

Tommy: Well, "Everybody's Got Something To Hide Except..."

(Alice chimes in with Tommy) Me and My Monkey."

Tommy: Now I'll never get to meet Tatum O'Neal.

Flo: Well, honey, I'm sorry about all this.

Alice: Do you want a beer?

Flo: No, I still got a buzz on from drinking with Cleo. Now listen honey you don't have to give up. There are plenty of places you can sing at right around here.

Alice: Oh sure, the laundromat, the bakery, the bus depot. I will never, never even talk to a guy who is not at least 47 ... 46.

Flo: Well, now I don't know. That little Joule wasn't too hard to look at. Just imagine if he had been an agent. Cute little thing like that showing up in front of your house. Taking you to a Hollywood premier.

Alice: Yeah, on his tricycle.

(Next Scene, at Mel's Diner)

Vera: Ow, umm....

Flo: Wait a minute Vera. I got this. Okay Vera. It's all right, it's all right.

Alice: You okay?

Tommy: What's today special, Mel?

Mel: Cream turkey and Brussel sprouts.

Tommy: Let me have another apple pie.

Mel: Brussel sprouts made me a man.

Tommy: You got enough back there to make another one for Mom?

Alice (to Vera): I guess we both missed out on Hollywood, huh?

Vera: Yeah.

Alice: And a boyfriend.

Flo: Hey, Vera. Maybe I can get you a date with Cleo Buford.

Vera (uninterested): Cleo? He hasn't got any pizzazz.

Alice: She's right.

Flo: Honey, under that dull exterior beats a brand new Chrysler with red leather upholstery, and that's pizzazz!

Alice: She's right.

(The old man enters Diner)

Old Man: Hey there, sugar plum.

Alice: Hello there.

Old Man: Boy you sure look good today. I'll give you a candy bar if you come in the back room with me for 5 minutes.

Alice: With or without almonds?

The End

"Pilot" Episode "Sex Education" Episode "Turkey" Episode


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